Understanding Me – Autism

Thank god for autism. In the journey to my son’s autism diagnosis, I have found myself. I am neuro-divergent, and I consider myself as somebody on the spectrum. I have been diagnosed with dyslexia, irritable bowel syndrome, anxiety, depression, hormone imbalance, sinusitis, tonsillitis, left-handedness. I have not been assessed for ASD, and I am not going to go through it. But this is where I have found my ease.

It opened up new ways of being. It gave me permission to leave behind the things I am never going to be able to skilfully do, it allowed me to use my strengths to create workarounds. I got to the end result that allowed me to academically thrive. I am Master’s educated, with an arsenal of tools and techniques that I have used throughout my professional and educational life. 

That ease? That is what I feel when I am reading about women on the spectrum. When I am reading about the experiences people are posting on Facebook, when they share those experiences, they all align for me. 

I had been researching for my son, but in that research, I had found myself aligning very strongly with many of the female characteristics of ASD. About the struggles and the masking and the falling to pieces and the silence. Oh, that blessed silence.When I have run out of charm, there’s nothing better than silence. 

There was that internal resistance and the questioning my mum about my childhood, and a lot of tears over the way life could have been. I could see everything that I was doing for my son and there was that hope that that could have been my life. All of those supports and all of that accommodation could’ve saved me so many tears, and so much frustration and so much confusion.

However, everyone is a product of their time, and my family did everything that they could for me. I wanted for no thing. So, nevertheless, my experience has been perfect for me to see what I could do differently, for what I could do for my son. So, I did what I do when I need to be doing, and I researched. I connected the dots. Better Being Me is the result of the research and the connections and pulling out my biggest assets. I did a deep-dive into my executive functioning. Executive functioning, I equate to your brain mapping. So, the different neural pathways. Your executive functioning is a practical way of seeing where the pathways perhaps lead to dead ends and what things you’re not being able to do.

I also looked at my personality traits. I see these as an expression of your mind. So, when you are in a stress state, you will have an extreme example of either end of the Big Five personality traits is what I use, and they are great indicators of how you can monitor your own behaviour and as an external indicator of your stress level. I also looked at my attachment style. That unpacks a lot. That tends to be the most emotional time, to have a look at the attachment styles, and you tend to look at your parents and blame your parents for a bit when, really, you can realise that they were just a product of their time as well. So, having a abstract look at your attachment style creates something that you can alter, or something that you can work on. Something that you can pull closer to a secure attachment, rather than an insecure attachment.

All of these things combined, looked at my stress response. I looked at what I really was in my heart of hearts, and who I wanted to be, who I am trying to gain approval from, and what I needed to forgive and let go of. There was a lot of unpacking, a lot of tears, some resistance from others –not a lot, I do get a lot of support from things that I do from my family. But once I could explain what I was trying to achieve, they kind of all got onboard. It was kind of like a magic pill, and I finally had the words to explain how I was feeling, where I was meant to be heading, where my head was at. 

I broke down what I am truly responsible for in my role as a mother and a partner

I listed all of those things that I am struggling to do. I created workarounds, I developed my why, and I found my internal motivation. The why for Better Being Me, is that I believe parents should have their shit together, especially before expecting any child to change their behaviour. 

I want to be putting my self-care first, and to do that, I need to know what I actually needed. I needed to be able to verbalise to other people what I needed. I needed to see where my holes were, what triggered my stress response, what everyday thing was I trying to achieve that I just didn’t have the brain capacity for, or the skills for, or the things that I am never going to be able to create because of the way that my brain is structured.

I feel like I have a duty to understand why I do what I do,

and through that, I will create a stronger connection, a stronger foundation for my decision-making, and a chance to leave my ego behind. I want to do what is best for my child and he is a sponge. So, I need to be my best and, in order for me to be my best, I need to be putting myself first, and my self-care first. Because I have seen the difference it makes in his therapies, in his daily activities, in his daily routine. 

If I less stressed then he is given a chance to thrive. I am being true to myself and I am not struggling. His therapies stick, and they have a greater impact. He can create for himself a stronger connection, and a wider support system, because he’s not reacting to my behaviour. He is not reacting to my stress, and he is free to become himself. 

I created new ways of helping my son’s development. I created new ways of dropping my own masks, and finding and honouring my true self. A new and better way of being me. In essence, Better Being Me is about creating a stronger connection with yourself. Through understanding from a supportive community, your truth will be uncovered, giving you comfort and ease within your body and yourself. You are giving yourself permission to thrive.