3 Ways to Stop your “But First”

January is generally the month where everybody likes to start planning their goals, we have big dreams and we have grand ideas, we like to think how different our life or how much we can achieve in the next 12 months. I personally love planning. I love all the paper shuffling. I love the columns. I love the checklists. It’s fun for me, the planning part of it. I love dreaming and taking trips off to Wonderland.  I have set some pretty big goals and some pretty little goals. 

In October of 2020 I came across an old journal that outlined my goals for 2017.  I was heart broken to see that they were the same that I had listed for 2018, 2019, 2020.  My crest fallen self had for the last three years not accomplished the same three goals.  For a moment I thought that meant I had not achieved anything.  That I had been marking time, living the same routine again and again, not moving forward becoming stagnant never to achieve my dreams. 

I managed to slap myself before drowning in self pity.  I realised that while I am not successful in my three long term goals, I have achieved many things.  From pulling myself out of a deep disorganised chaotic mess of motherhood, developing a business framework, creating successful processes, indentifing as neurdivergent, releasing a podcast, loving my family and putting me first with sustainable self care.  So what is the difference between the goals I achieved and the ones that have plagued my dream list for years? This is where my pondering lead me.

Everyone achieves their goals differently

Everyone has a different form of motivation, a lot of people are lucky enough to have an internal motivator. They can complete their goals with somewhat dreaming ease. From the outside, it looks like they have an amount of ease, that just means that goals are done, done done. You may like to put too much detail into your achieving the goals or put as much detail so much detail into achieving your goals, that each step is so clearly defined for you that it is so easy to take. That’s amazing. You may need a little outside pressure outside deadlines, and expectations have consequences to build up that motivation and achieving your goal. Or you may need to consistently just chip away at your tasks until or complete.

I now know this tendency stops me in my tracks.

My nature is to create rules and guidelines for things to make sense to me. I do this to fill a belief of control, I aim to create an efficient method of completion, the straightest line to get to my goal, to set up all the planning and actions that things fall into place like dominos.  This is my sign that I have done all the right things, the right way, that I am worthy of my successful achievement.  

you have trouble starting?

One of my biggest issues. If we’re looking at this, from an executive functioning point of view, it is called trouble initiating tasks. Definitely one of my issues is initiation of tasks. I really do struggle initiating my work, I think very long and very hard about the big picture. I try and find all the loopholes and the things that can go wrong. I start creating rules or but first thing in order to find where to start, I create prerequisites, I create dependencies. Then I can’t find the beginning because I’ve ‘but first’ my way out of easy something to do into overwhelm.

My need to be efficient, leads to procrastination which is amusing in itself, and perhaps the true definition of ironic. 

In trying to find my start, the loose thread to pull in order to see all working out with ease, I have found myself creating rules and dependency which hinder that actual starting. 

An example of ‘but first’ ing is my household work. I’m not very good at getting it done. At the moment, we haven’t come out of the Christmas purge. But I can’t decide what holds more importance. I need to vacuum. But first, I need to pick up all the clothes. But first I need to find a space to put the clothes that means But first, I need to put the toys away. But first I should really sort the toys out. But first I should really decide where I’m going to put those toys and whom I’m going to donate them to but first I should put on the washing because I can do that while I’m trying to do the other things. Then it just becomes so overwhelming that I can’t create a simple task. I like to make it very difficult myself. So that means I either wonder around the house from room to room deciding what I should be doing first and get absolutely nothing done. I start a job and halfway through it, I think oh but first I should have started. I’ve had days where Brad has come home and the dishwasher is open and half unstacked the sink is full of suds with no actual dishes in them. The dryers been undone but not unloaded. It’s just a whole bunch of that haven’t been done, haven’t been finished and started but not actually being completed, which is the useful thing about tasks is completing them. So I have created something that was very simple and I have put so many rules around it, that I’ve made a very overwhelming process, and frustrating, and it means I feel like there is a monumental amount of energy that is required for me to do the simple things. So even just thinking about it means I put myself in overwhelm. And you know, don’t get me wrong. I’m the only one doing this to me, it’s, I’m doing this all by myself.

I have wanted another child for many years, but it is only now I realise how many rules and provisos I had put on myself before achieving my goals.  These are my ‘but first’s.  The I want this, but first I need to have all of these extra things in place. 

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My ‘but first’s I had for having another baby

These dependencies are the sole creation of my own, but they mean I have never felt I am ready for a new soul.  I have not felt that I am valid or prepared for another child.  These rules are hindering me, not helping.  So it is with great relief I can drop all of these prerequisites, to loose all the ‘but first’s’ and know that I am ready. 

Find your rhythm

Get the small stuff in a rhythm and list it and share it and pin it on the wall and delegate tasks. You are not the only keeper of small stuff in your household so share it. You do not need to be the only one to think about the small things anymore. You have my permission if you needed it. Get it out of your head. It doesn’t need to be there. You may be under the wrong assumption about what the small stuff is and how you’re meant to be achieving it in your family home. So talk about it. Share. It creates space By getting it out of your head, and that leaves room for the biggest things to fall into place. And that means to me that meant creating a weekly household list. And you can delegate that list. I did like a whole day planning for my household, big a three, a three piece of paper listed everything that needs to be done in the house, made sure you know I did my normal faffing thing, but I only had to do it once. And I put it on my weekly overview. And even if I am going to ignore it for the whole week, I can in those days where I have got complete, overwhelm or complete faffing. I can at least look at this list and go, Okay, I can do one thing on that list. This is what I was meant to do today, or this is something I can do today. If I do this, and follow up for the rest of the week, everything else will be organized in regards to the household stuff. It helped. And you know, I do ignore a lot of the time. But this week, I’m going to look at it again. And I’m going to start at the beginning and it will help me tidy up the Christmas mess and get myself fresh and ready for the next upcoming year.

We talked about the different ways people are motivated to achieve their goals. We talked about how so many people have trouble starting and the different ways that people procrastinate. And we also talked about what to do to reduce the faffing around.

This year instead of creating New Year Intentions I am going to watch my language.  I am going to watch for the ‘but first’s’.  The ‘but first’s’ are me creating rules.  Creating hoops to jump, ‘but first’s’ are me putting off actions that get me to my goals.  Instead, this year, I am giving my goals direction, power, I am added to all my goals  –

and I am ready

Start your planning now, download the free Better Being Me Wall Planner, you can see the year mapped out. It’s got the school holidays and public holidays. If you do want to know more about your procrastination style, or how you can best achieve your goals, then join the mailing list and be ready for the next better being the online release. Where we do cover all things brain, mind and relationship. It’s all the things that helped me and I have I know that it’s helped a lot of other people. So I would love to see you on the waiting list.

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